Ed. — From the Sunday, June 25, print edition.
VIRGINIA BEACH — My father and I often talked about politics during the last presidential election season. The topic wasn’t unusual for us. Our conversations often veered in that direction, given the work we had in common at the local level. The fact that we were of different political parties didn’t stop us from talking with each other about the issues that mattered most to us – women’s rights, Covid policy, military engagement, social and environmental activism and economics. On those issues, we shared similar opinions.
The conversation became more interesting when our thoughts on a topic differed. We both enjoyed the opportunity to learn about a different perspective. We picked each other’s brains with great enthusiasm during these moments of congenial semi-controversy.
In many families, the last election made the kind of engagement I had with my dad impossible. It also became a thing of the past among friends. Emotions run high in politics. We’ve all witnessed how the political scene has devolved into vitriol. It’s no wonder we feel empowered to sling arrows at family and friends when we watch our leaders behave like the worst of children – calling each other names, heckling during formal meetings, and using social media like a high school cafeteria. The problem with this is we’re not learning anything new when we shut each other down before considering a different opinion.
This truism played out during a family trip on Memorial Day weekend for a cousin’s wedding in New York. Italian relatives from all over the country made the celebration. So did my brother, a man with strong opinions frequently shared on Facebook. We’ve learned to avoid engaging my brother in political discussions because they ramp up quickly and end badly.
Shortly before the wedding, my brother posted something on Facebook mocking Target’s support of the LGBTQ community. It was a hurtful post. Like millions of others, my brother uses social media as a personal outlet and a foil –a place to throw things to see what sticks without facing any consequences. His pre-wedding post hit a mark he hadn’t intended – his beloved cousin, who is a member of the LGBTQ community and was bringing her partner to the wedding.
The night before the ceremony, our cousin asked my sister and me if we would mind if she spoke privately with our brother about what he had done. His post cut her to the core. She wanted to know if he felt as it appeared he did. Because, if he did, where did that leave room for her – and her partner – in his life or he in theirs? We encouraged her to have a conversation. I noted that it was unlikely our brother considered, let alone understood, what his actions could mean in the real world to real people.
At the reception the following evening, people danced, mingled and enjoyed the farm venue. My cousin found my brother alone at a table and sat down to talk. My sister and I watched from a distance. I have no idea what was said. If body language tells us anything, it began with resistance – my brother’s arms folded across his chest, my cousin leaning earnestly close as she spoke her mind – and ended with understanding. Heads nodded. The two smiled. Finally, they embraced.
Having an opinion and sticking to it is the name of the game when it comes to political issues. Especially those involving race, class, gender and sexuality. Especially online, when we aren’t looking in the eyes those our words may hurt. An accepted dynamic, modeled by our leaders, is to refuse to listen, smugly look the other way, and ignore the existence of different perspectives, even from those who are living them.
Had my brother followed his role models, more than a family squabble might have ensued. He would have lost the opportunity of compassion and empathy and changed the course of the night and future family gatherings.
If more of us do what my cousin and brother did, we might rediscover our potential as a nation. We could talk with civility about controversial issues, share diverse perspectives from personal experience, boldly confront matters that make us uncomfortable, and open our arms to the possibility of a new view, we might get somewhere on the issues affecting all of us.
The point doesn’t have to be changing minds. It can be a matter of thinking another way or simply thinking about the people specifically touched by issues we may only understand in the most general terms.
In a family text thread after the wedding, my brother asked when our cousin was proposing to her partner. He’s eager for a wedding invitation. I read his text with a sense of optimism. We have to start somewhere.
The author is a former Virginia Beach Planning Commissioner and college professor. Reach her at leejogger@gmail.com.
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Thank you Karen!